Been a long time

I dont know where I’ve been.

all I know is that I’ve been dying to get out.

I can’t write too much because …I have to start over.

I know now that I have many selves of myself inside me. These “selves” know certain things about many other things not all the other selves know

Beat down

Well it happens from time to time. Going to blows with the Narc. Ended up with the whole left side of my face four different colors, my right arm fucked. This story goes back (of course), but being provoked mentally and emotionally past the breaking point. I had a warrant for FTA (bc I was in a DV shelter in a faraway place), I called the police when he wouldn’t stop harassing me. They arrested ME. He wasn’t even charged with anything. I spent 3 weeks in jail. It was clearly obvious I was just in an altercation. But he walked right by them and that was that. I have to think of a new SOMETHING!!!

 

 

5.13.16 – i’m free. my right arm is still fucked up.

Do we maintain the abuse and continue to abuse others?

Hurt people, hurt people. So I’ve heard. I am not a psychologist nor a sociologist. I HAVE read quite extensively on Borderline Personality Behavior and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed professionally as BPD 3 years ago. I’ve been BPD for all my life I believe. 

 

My question is, why do we continue to abuse others in various other ways that are clearly a reflection of our own Narc Abuse?

OMFG!

He totally tried to act like nothing even has happened in the past few weeks. He called me “honey” and actually started “checking in” via text and shit. I’m like “dude – wtf are you on???? cuz i don’t know where you been bro but i been right here watching you act crazy and NOW LOOK AT YOU!” mf is on a roll!!!!

so today though he changed it back up – hahaha

 

LOSER

Today is our Eighth Wedding Anniversary

I have mixed feelings about it. I know being sad isn’t really wise. I think I feel sadness for the loss of myself and the years, time wasted. Not really the loss over the actual relationship. We are still cohabiting together but he plans on moving out in 2 weeks. Which I just gotta play it cool until then. He’s obviously found an acceptable replacement who is golden right now and believes all his bullshit and is ready to relinquish control over me. So today is a weird day nonetheless. I believe I might go pawn his wedding band today actually. 

Psycho Unit Roller Coaster

This is where it usually starts to go from Dr.Jekyl to Mr.Hyde at literally any given moment. I’m not exaggerating. And I know it is all contingent usually on whether he gets a text or something from one or many of his harem. I know for a fact right now, (phone records), he’s got around 4 circling.

he leaves the house now without saying where he’s going or for how long. won’t say if he’s going to be late coming home from work. Not that I really need him to check in or that I care but I think it’s comical that it’s all of a sudden – no kidding – only a few days, and it’s “Nikki deserves no respect now”

unreal. I shake my head.