Today is our Eighth Wedding Anniversary

I have mixed feelings about it. I know being sad isn’t really wise. I think I feel sadness for the loss of myself and the years, time wasted. Not really the loss over the actual relationship. We are still cohabiting together but he plans on moving out in 2 weeks. Which I just gotta play it cool until then. He’s obviously found an acceptable replacement who is golden right now and believes all his bullshit and is ready to relinquish control over me. So today is a weird day nonetheless. I believe I might go pawn his wedding band today actually. 

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Psycho Unit Roller Coaster

This is where it usually starts to go from Dr.Jekyl to Mr.Hyde at literally any given moment. I’m not exaggerating. And I know it is all contingent usually on whether he gets a text or something from one or many of his harem. I know for a fact right now, (phone records), he’s got around 4 circling.

he leaves the house now without saying where he’s going or for how long. won’t say if he’s going to be late coming home from work. Not that I really need him to check in or that I care but I think it’s comical that it’s all of a sudden – no kidding – only a few days, and it’s “Nikki deserves no respect now”

unreal. I shake my head.

Recovery and The Phoenix Process

There is an increasing number of Sociopaths Next Door.

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

The_phoenix_rises

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

There seems to be a dramatic increase in the number of people suffering at the hands of Narcissistic abuse.  The partners they loved abused them and killed their spirit; they don’t know how or where to start over.  They keep repeating the same patterns throughout their lives and don’t know how to escape the cycle.  Subsequently, they fall into a state of despair and depression, losing hope in the future and the idea of ever finding real love.

These states of tumult may be the most powerful catalyst of awakening, in the sense that the events they give rise to are usually transformative.  Many have found enlightenment after intense periods of emotional suffering.

The Alchemy of Spiritual Enlightenment

Let’s consider the concept of attachment.  As human beings we are mentally attached to notions, such…

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After the Discard: The Other Woman

This is EXACTLY what is happening right now. Or close to it. Except I’m not a crawling heap of a mess on the floor. lol

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Snake Cake North Star Cakes

Being discarded by a Narcissist is one of the most painful experiences victims endure…well, after the heart-wrenching devalue phase.  It’s like icing on an insidious, poisonous cake for which only Narcissists hold the recipe.

The Discard

After being discarded, you believe it’s your fault.  You obsess over whether you could have done things differently.  You languish over your abuser, brooding over whether there’s a chance to win him back and prove your worth.

That’s precisely what he wants.

You see, while he was preening the new supply behind your back, he was busy telling you (and everyone within a 50-mile radius) everything that’s wrong with you and your place in the demise of the relationship.  He wants you to believe you are the one who drove him into the arms of another woman.  And that’s what victims believe.  Every time.

Narcissists need you to think the problems…

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Age-Old Questions

Age-Old Questions.

Unfortunately, since I have been constantly reminded by the narc that I am “old” now, and his cheating conquests have all been barely legal girls, it is something that bothers me. I do lie about my age, because I can get away with it, it’s fun, and it does make me feel better.

I’m deathly afraid of looking “old” and unattractive. Of not being wanted.

The first glimpse in this hell

He said the other day he wanted a divorce. This is probably the fourth time we have talked seriously about it. The way he states it – it is so final, it is clear he is ready to “move on” with another female. i’m guessing by phone records it’s the 23 yr old and/or another one like it. Also back in touch with this female friend from childhood that pretty much could have been his ’emotional’ long distance wife. I felt completely empty, alone, a nothing. That it was over for me when I discovered these things.

He had been emotionally distant for some time and I always know the signs when a new female is in the picture. He can’t hide his excitement, he literally is besides himself and giddy at times. He does things to “improve” himself: get a haircut, shave, start brushing his teeth regularly. And at the same time, give me the silent treatment, cut off sex, try to make me think I’m really mentally ill and that I need serious help, make me hugely doubt myself. The list is endless. All the while, feigning concern but not actually showing any physical affection or support. When he is confronted about this (god forbid I actually do), the anger rises very quickly in him and I’m accused of “starting shit”. In reality, he’s angry because I’m getting close to the truth and hitting the nail on the head.

Today was a trying day. For me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I was a lot more in control, confident and ready to face and deal with the truth and real issue. However, because I was not falling apart any longer, and not reacting with extreme emotional distress etc., it was driving him insane. It was clear he was losing some sort of control he had asserted on these past previous days. He became very physically abusive, assaulting me three times by choking me at the neck, once with my scarf to where I almost passed out. Twisted my arm, pulled my hair a few times and threw me down. I refused to “fall apart”, I refused to physically fight back, only once did I when he cornered me in the kitchen and twisted my arm so hard that I scratched him to let me go. By me not really reacting inappropriately with severe emotional distress, this only angered him more. 

After two of the altercations, he had the nerve to ask me if I was hungry.