Unfortunately, since I have been constantly reminded by the narc that I am “old” now, and his cheating conquests have all been barely legal girls, it is something that bothers me. I do lie about my age, because I can get away with it, it’s fun, and it does make me feel better.
I’m deathly afraid of looking “old” and unattractive. Of not being wanted.
Please bear with me as I work my way through learning the ropes of this site. I’m a total novice I know.
He said the other day he wanted a divorce. This is probably the fourth time we have talked seriously about it. The way he states it – it is so final, it is clear he is ready to “move on” with another female. i’m guessing by phone records it’s the 23 yr old and/or another one like it. Also back in touch with this female friend from childhood that pretty much could have been his ’emotional’ long distance wife. I felt completely empty, alone, a nothing. That it was over for me when I discovered these things.
He had been emotionally distant for some time and I always know the signs when a new female is in the picture. He can’t hide his excitement, he literally is besides himself and giddy at times. He does things to “improve” himself: get a haircut, shave, start brushing his teeth regularly. And at the same time, give me the silent treatment, cut off sex, try to make me think I’m really mentally ill and that I need serious help, make me hugely doubt myself. The list is endless. All the while, feigning concern but not actually showing any physical affection or support. When he is confronted about this (god forbid I actually do), the anger rises very quickly in him and I’m accused of “starting shit”. In reality, he’s angry because I’m getting close to the truth and hitting the nail on the head.
Today was a trying day. For me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I was a lot more in control, confident and ready to face and deal with the truth and real issue. However, because I was not falling apart any longer, and not reacting with extreme emotional distress etc., it was driving him insane. It was clear he was losing some sort of control he had asserted on these past previous days. He became very physically abusive, assaulting me three times by choking me at the neck, once with my scarf to where I almost passed out. Twisted my arm, pulled my hair a few times and threw me down. I refused to “fall apart”, I refused to physically fight back, only once did I when he cornered me in the kitchen and twisted my arm so hard that I scratched him to let me go. By me not really reacting inappropriately with severe emotional distress, this only angered him more.
After two of the altercations, he had the nerve to ask me if I was hungry.